here's where I'm at

A graduation picture at McGill.

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote, so I figured it might be time for a good old-fashioned life update. 

On May 1st, on the cusp of finishing my undergrad, I packed my bags and relocated from Montreal to Vancouver. With me came little more than a couple suitcases and my best friend (and roommate of three years) Mariam. Between the two of us, we had very little set out for when we arrived other than a signed lease. We didn’t yet have jobs, furniture, wifi and electricity, mattresses, groceries, or anything else.
It’s the most okay with being unplanned that I have ever been.

By the time I wrote the first draft of this piece, two months after arriving in the city, I fortunately was able to have coordinated all of those things. In that very moment, I was sitting in the park by the water near my house, at sunset, watching baby geese cross the road as cyclists yielded to them. Even though geese are aggressive, there is nothing I want more than to hug one.

Sitting in this park is something I make a very peaceful habit out of several times per week. I’m not used to all this wildlife because Montreal didn’t have much of it — and in New Brunswick, where I grew up, there’s definitely more of it but the juxtaposition of it with urbanism makes it particularly striking. 

The view near my house.

I miss Montreal a lot, and I often feel conflicted about being away from it. Over the past few months, I’ve thought a lot about my relationships to the places I’ve lived, and will live, and the contrasting emotions that are turned up by both familiarity (what feels like comfort) and newness (what feels like adventure). 

When I moved here, I left some of my belongings in Montreal, knowing I’d be back for them at some point. Held onto by some of the people I love are suitcases packed with old books from thrift stores, old friends, and the McGill book fair. A wooden nightstand that my great grandfather built, gifted to me by my grandparents years ago. And a vintage armchair I bought off of Facebook Marketplace in third year and struggled to transport up and down a very Montreal number of stairs.

I just think that things have inherent sentimental value. Conversely, baggage sometimes also looks very physical. 

But, obviously, most of the time baggage is an idea in your head — hence the metaphor itself. I think that’s part of why I moved across the country. I knew that in order to properly clear my head, I needed to remove myself from the environment in which I’d felt so much heartache, hopelessness, and sadness. I know that I will return there once the dust settles. And maybe that’s why the idea of still having belongings there is significant — it’s a way to still feel grounded there. Even after losing the main signifier of my identity there — being a student — I still have a reason to go back.

Moving across the country has forced me to reconsider my relationships with everything, and to hone in on their very physical realities. I think it has to do with the trauma which the last 1.5 years bestowed upon me (and I am sure upon you, too). 

life during the pandemic

Growing up, I was a very goals and future-oriented person, which served me well in many ways. It propelled me through a university career of passionate, keen climate and social justice activism, much of which influenced me to launch Ethigirl. 

But it would be dishonest to shy away from admitting that all of that energy wasn’t, occasionally (and throughout the pandemic, basically permanently), exhausting. I’ve seen friends and fellow activists talk about this, too, so I know I’m not the first — or the only. And that’s part of why I write this, too. To let you know that, if you’re in the same boat, it’s not just you.

Somewhere throughout the pandemic, I noticed that something wasn’t right about me anymore. But it took so long for me to pay attention that my body forced me to do so through physical symptoms. Shortness of breath, nausea, dizziness. For me, the signs pointed to iron deficiency, so I called the McGill clinic to speak with a doctor. But as she continued down her line of questioning, it became clear to me that she disagreed. Long story short, in October, I was diagnosed with depression. 

Admitting this online, when I know how many people read my writing, and how public it is, feels terrifying. It feels vulnerable and unnatural in the way that going into a store without a mask might feel now. So, I am trusting that this information is in good hands with you. Because in spite of the negative feelings, it still feels important for you to know.

I think that while the pandemic has done a lot to make it easier to talk about mental illness, we’re still pretty far from a world where it’s easy. We’re also pretty far from a reality wherein people know what to say or how to help when you share something like this with them. To those people, here’s the advice I’d offer: while it’s valid that you are, there’s no reason to be uncomfortable. Someone else just made you feel like there is.

Although hearing that I had depression was really difficult, it also helped create an externalized identity for everything that I was feeling — helping me to understand that although it was within my brain, and felt deeply personal, it wasn’t. It was just another part of my health. 

Wreck Beach in Vancouver.

recovery

I’ve spent the last 8-10 months recovering from my depressive episode. I’ve settled into a job that I enjoy, working from home and having the flexibility to create the workspace I want. I’ve been getting outside as much as possible, exploring my surroundings and swimming at the beach whenever I can. Also, now that I’m fully vaccinated, I also got the opportunity to go visit my family in New Brunswick a couple of weeks ago. I’ve got to tell you — the feeling of hugging my grandparents for the first time in two years was indescribable. I LOVE YOU, SCIENCE. 

My roommate Mariam and I ❤️

I’m focused on creating for myself, at a foundational level, simplicity. I love my routine, managing my time, pushing myself to wake up just a little bit earlier, so that I can make breakfast and open the windows to let the fresh air in. I love listening to the music I want, and steeping my coffee as strongly as I want. But I also love going out of my way to seek out joy, and to celebrate everything. I love stressing less about what my classmates are doing after graduation. I loved deactivating my Instagram account for months, and even now as I’ve reactivated it, I love barely using it (Lorde is so right about this one). 

The past year was so complicated, with so many big life transitions and decisions. It makes sense that I feel this way, and if you do, that makes sense too.

I’m still figuring out what it means to properly balance activism, hobbies, and community work with my job, and still having enough time for all of the routine activities I need to complete in order to maintain stability.

identifying what hope feels like

There is no part of me, though, that is less concerned by the same topics than I used to be. I’m even more terrified by climate change than I ever have been. My first summer in BC has definitely introduced me to a fear of forest fires I never had before. A couple of weeks ago, during a heat wave, we had a day that I thought something was burning in my house because I could smell smoke. But when I looked outside, the city was engulfed in a huge smoke cloud. 

I’ve been disappointed in myself for not doing more for our climate. But much more than that, I’m infuriated by the degree to which billionaires have profited off of the pandemic, and how the blame of increased pollution is instead placed on a population of people who are just doing what they need to do to get by. Especially when the reality is that the 1% is choosing a space race over investing in the climate action and social assistance that the world crucially needs. 

Some pretty great swimming in Squamish, BC

I am simply not comfortable asking my readers to remember their reusable bags when, an hour two away from me, the forest is on fire. It’s like telling you to move around chairs on the deck of the Titanic. Should you still do that? Yes, of course! But…

Transparently, all of this has made me feel like, when it comes to Ethigirl, the problems engulfing our world are so overwhelming that I don’t know what to recommend at this point. 

But the point of me saying all of this is not to be bleak or hopeless. It’s just to be vulnerable and honest. Inauthentic optimism helps no one. 

My pals. <3

I do believe there is still a lot of hope, and a lot of incredible people working as hard as they can. The most important thing is that we work together, rather than individually shouldering the burden of the most complex and enormous issue that humanity has ever faced. The best thing I can suggest, at this time, is to get involved. Organize in your local community. If you’re Canadian, ensure you vote critically this September. Find out when your next climate march is, and go to it.

Ensure, most importantly, though, throughout all of it, that you remember sustainability starts from within. Investing in your health is the only way you can show up for the causes you care about.

Thank you so much for reading, and I love you all so much. 

With love, sustainability, and all the mental resilience I can offer,

Ethigirl. 

And here she stood, at the crux of an epiphany, not yet ready to decide whether she was brave enough to accept it. 

Here she stood, at the crossroads of comfort and challenge, balanced atop a twenty-two years of pushing, of working, of trying to encapsulate the person she saw herself as, while the person she really was quietly and patiently awaited the day she’d be confronted. 

three mental health apps i recommend

Hi folks! Today I’d like to talk about mental health, which something I have spent more time thinking about this year than ever before in my life.

It may or may not be a surprise for you to learn this, but COVID-19 has negatively impacted many Canadians’ mental health. As a global community, we’re facing unprecedented challenges that will require all the brainpower, emotional labour, and sustainability we can muster to solve. We must have access to the mental healthcare that we need in order not only to survive, but also to thrive. I’d like to start on a micro level today by talking about something that’s helped me — taking advantage of my phone, rather than allowing it to work against me quite so much.

As someone who saw my Weekly Screen Time Report go up by much more than I’m proud of, a couple of months ago I decided to try and use my phone more positively. I figured there had to be lots of smart people working on lots of cool mental health-related apps, and after some research, I wasn’t disappointed! Here are my favourite mental health apps, coupled with brief rundowns on what they’re helpful for.

Headspace

Cost

- Normal subscription: $6/month or $70/year
- Student subscription: $10/year (I believe this may only work in the US! Apologies!)
- Family subscription: 6 accounts for $100/year (this is what I use with a group of friends!)

Source
This image gives an overview of what the app’s various features actually look like.

Headspace is one of the most popular meditation and sleep apps out there, and for good reason. I’ve been using it for about a year and a half and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon. There is truly something for everyone, even if you’ve never tried meditation before!

You’ll find programs ranging anywhere from a minute to basically an infinite amount of time, and you can search/filter based on whatever you need. There are also courses, an exercise tab called “move”, and then my personal favourite — the sleep tab. Headspace offers guided sleep meditations, calming music, soundscapes, and something called “sleepcasts”, which is basically a 45-minute story with calming sounds behind it.

Moreover, if you’d like to get a better sense of what Headspace — or even meditation in general — entail, you should consider checking out Netflix’s Headspace Guide to Meditation! This 8-part series guides viewers through the many benefits of incorporating a meditation practice into their daily routines, whilst also providing them with opportunities to try it out themselves. This show is definitely on my watchlist.

---

Jour

Source
A screenshot of Jour’s Daily Journal screen.

Source
A sample screenshot of Jour’s Insights screen.

Cost

- Free version, with limited personalized features
- Paid version: $60/year, with a 7-day free trial

Jour is a mindfulness and mental health journal that uses tech to help you with your personal mental health needs. I have been using this app for about half a year, and I am such a huge fan of everything about it. It uses the freemium model — which essentially means there is both a free and a paid version, with the latter having more enhanced features than the former. While I recently upgraded to the paid subscription, I believe there is a lot of value in using whichever version you can afford.

Me, using Jour!

This beautifully-designed app has a whole host of features, including guided journals and breathing, ‘stories’ (ie. short blog-style posts on various topics), insights, and a record of all your entries. Personally, I believe the most powerful aspect of the app comes in the form of its AI-powered journal and its insights tab. First of all, the daily journal works by asking you a series of questions about your mood and what you believe it’s being affected by. Based upon your answers, it creates a custom open-ended questionnaire that you can fill out. After you complete it (these normally take 5-10 minutes, depending on how much detail you use), the paid version of the app provides you with a “breakthrough”: bite-sized advice based on what you wrote in your journal.

After you complete enough daily journals, the insights tab will begin to populate — providing you with information about the trends of your daily, weekly, and monthly moods and thoughts. If you can foresee how this would continue over time, coupled with the everlasting record of all your entries, you can imagine how powerful this might become in managing your mental health. I really can’t recommend this app enough.

---

Habit

Cost

- Free version, with limited features
- Premium version: $40/year

Let’s end off with a simple, but immensely powerful habit tracker that will propel you forward in meeting your goals! Habit is a colourful, easy-to-use habit tracker that I’ve had for about half a year. The reason I like this habit tracker more than any others is that the free version (which I personally use) allows you to make a good number of habits. I also like the simplicity of its interface; there’s one screen for everything, and it looks good.

There are a couple benefits of moving to the premium version — you can use dark mode, you can track unlimited habits, you can create more detailed smartphone notifications, and you can add a Habit-based widget to your homescreen. I’m personally happy with the free version for now given the simple reasons I use this app; however, I can totally see why you’d upgrade.

I started using a habit tracker not because I wanted to whip myself into shape, meet fitness goals, or do something crazy. Instead, I downloaded this app because I just wanted to take better care of myself. Earlier this year, I was really struggling with accomplishing what were, to me, the most basic things. Something I know about myself is that I gain happiness from a sense of accomplishment, regardless of the scale on which those accomplishments actually are. So, I set myself up with a digital checklist which would help me access that.

Some of the things I started keeping track of every day include: taking my vitamins, eating 3 meals (or an equivalent) per day, getting outside, meditating, journaling (both using the two apps above!), and drinking enough water. For me, just having a very straightforward place to go check those things off a list, and see a bar fill a little more, was enough to keep me motivated. This app has definitely positively contributed to my life, and I’m sure it will yours, too.

Conclusion

I simply want to end off by saying that of course these apps are no substitute to mental healthcare; however, they have certainly been of great assistance to me. I wholeheartedly believe in the missions and power of all of the apps I’ve recommended above — a level of such that can come only from using them daily over the course of months.

Are there any apps — or other online tools or resources — that I missed and should check out? Let me know in the comments! I look forward to hearing your feedback and commentary if you decide to try any of them.

With love and sustainability,
ethigirl :)

“sustainability guilt” and re-centering joy: interview with juliette escande, sustainable food aficionado

Aspen: So, tell me about your history with food and sustainability.

Juliette: I became vegetarian for weird reasons. I started living by myself from a young age and I was worried about how I’d ensure I stayed healthy. So I decided to make a change in my diet. I knew that if I focused on that with a goal in mind I could stay motivated, learn new recipes, and eat less takeout.

Later on, when I came to McGill, I initially wanted to focus my degree just on business. But when I found out about the Fair Trade Corner (a volunteer-run, by-donation coffee stand on campus) I got excited about food and sustainability. That’s what pushed me to change my degree to Managing for Sustainability and make it more than just my daily life. I loved my classes; for one of them we even came up with a venture idea to reduce food waste. I then found a job at Lufa Farms as Community Coordinator, through which I educated folks about sustainable foods and their importance.

Source

Aspen: I relate to what you said about making vegetarianism a project. I learned so much about cooking and creativity, plus ate out way less, during my time as a vegetarian. Could you tell me more about what specifically sustainable food means to you?

Juliette: Working at Lufa made me realize that the most important thing is eating locally -- it’s not only good for the environment, but also accessible and beneficial to the economy. It checks all the boxes. Local usually means less packaging and less food miles. In order to buy with as little packaging as possible, I go to the farmers’ market, which is super cheap and you can bring your own bags. To me, that’s the most sustainable you can be.

Aspen: I agree. For me, when I started out, I thought eating zero meat was peak sustainability, but I later realized it wasn’t for many people for many reasons, including myself. Also, meat isn’t inherently bad for the environment, it’s just how we produce it. 

Juliette: I was once told that sustainability isn’t about vegetarianism, it’s about mindfulness. The moment you become conscious of your choices, you start making a difference. The idea of just one day cutting out all meat is so discouraging and overwhelming. So if I eat meat, am I mindful of where it came from? Being mindful also means not just replacing your meat with vegetarian substitutes, which aren’t necessarily great for the environment either!

A Lufa Farms fresh produce basket.

Aspen: I agree and I like that. Being mindful is super important. When people feel like if they’re not doing it perfectly it’s not worth it at all, that’s discouraging and gatekeeping. In reality, eating meat once a week is not much worse than not eating it at all. It’s important to shift into that mindset.

With that said, how do you balance taking care of both yourself and the planet?

Juliette: I find that sometimes, even if you’re not doing something by the “textbook definition” of sustainability, there’s always another way to adjust. It’s not about specific rules that need to be followed; we don’t need to be so strict on ourselves. Putting all this pressure on yourself is not worth it. For me, it’s more about asking myself “what’s the best thing I can do to reduce this waste”. It’s a matter of adjusting to the situation and not telling yourself there’s a right-and-wrong way. The other week, I ordered from GoodFood because I got a great promotion, and when it arrived the packaging made me feel sick. But at the same time, if I’m broke, I shouldn’t feel guilty of taking advantage of an offer to get $80 off my groceries. However, feeling guilty also means something -- I understand the consequences of my actions. I can weigh the decisions and adapt accordingly.

Aspen: Completely agree. I wrote a recent article about how HelloFresh helped me. Although I feel awful about the packaging and not cooking from scratch or local, I’ve been eating healthy meals and I’ve been more satisfied with myself.

Juliette: And you actually end up wasting less food! 

Aspen: Yes, exactly! And I feel like we don’t talk enough about the mental health impact of all this sustainability guilt. If you’re feeling guilty about how your individual decisions are destroying the environment all the time, that’s really unhealthy. Ensuring all our purchases are sustainable is an unfair expectation. It’s important to balance what sorts of pressures we’re putting on ourselves, and whether they’re actually productive.

What’s a main tip you’d give to someone looking to make their diet more sustainable?

Juliette: Go to the farmers’ market! It’s hard to stay connected to our food. For me, sometimes food is just like brushing my teeth - something I need to do today. It can be hard to find excitement about cooking, and on top of that I also need to be sustainable? There’s no joy left. Finding pleasure in food is what makes it so much fun. With my roommate, we go every Saturday to Jean Talon and make it a fun activity. Food is at the basis of changing everything, and the moment you eat sustainably, it’s going to taste and feel better. It’s finding a way to make sustainability fun; in the long run it will make you happier.

Montreal's Marché Jean-Talon!

Aspen: Wow. For me too. Food and cooking changed my life. Discovering that as a hobby, something to look forward to and build a routine around. Finding pleasure in my food, sustainability, doing right by the planet, feeling connected to food and purchases in general is a radical act. Our current systems have divided us from who makes our products. Reclaiming those connections is a beautiful thing. 

Juliette: It goes with the rules we talked about. If you put rules on your eating, you make it less fun. If you actually start enjoying what you eat, you naturally become more mindful of it. They go hand-in-hand. 

Aspen: yes - just trying to find ways to take the “chore” aspect out of it and make it more enjoyable. 

OK, last question: what are your favourite sustainable restaurants and stores?

Juliette: Here’s a list:

• Jean Talon Market

• Lufa Farms

• Vègane obscène Vegan

• Restaurant Radis

• Herbivores

• Frenco

and i hope you are able to write again.

the: beginning of it all.

A photo taken by a high school friend the summer I launched Ethigirl.

Slightly over two years ago, from the kitchen table of my childhood home in rural New Brunswick, I created Ethigirl.com. I was fighting my way through the summer after my first year of university, working full-time at a local bank during the day, running during the evenings, and travelling around the province during the weekends. 

But those were the easy things. Because there were lots of harder things, too. I finished my first year of university feeling lonely. Throughout high school, the final two years of which I’d also - in retrospect - felt incredibly lonely, I imagined university as a utopia. The time I’d finally find “my people” and thrive instantly. Needless to say, that… didn’t happen. I was also in a long-distance relationship. I felt caught between two worlds: my New Brunswick one, which contained my family and boyfriend, and my Montreal one, which contained my new home, school, and handful of friends I clung to and desperately wished to make lifelong. And I never, during all of those months, felt fully present in either. I started getting unbearable anxiety. My chest felt tight and full of butterflies all the time. Sometimes, I could barely eat. I managed by exercising as much as I could, so that I was too tired to even recognize the anxiety. But I knew something was wrong - something needed to change. 

When I moved home that spring, my boyfriend and I broke up several weeks after celebrating three years of dating. I had changed so much during that time that I felt unrecognizable. It was the hardest thing my young heart had faced to that day. So I threw myself into productive things. I started running. A lot. I’d sometimes get up before work, around 5am, and run a 15k before heading into the bank. It was working well, for awhile. My anxiety got better. 

Then one week, when my parents were on vacation and I was home alone, I checked my phone while out for groceries. My grandma had sent me a message on Facebook. She was sick and at the hospital. My chest got tight immediately and my heart dropped. I raced to the hospital to see her. She was okay, and I continued to visit her for the next few nights. My parents came home early from their vacation. It seemed like everything was going to be fine.

My grandma and I at my high school prom.

But then my parents came home one day after visiting my grandparents. I remember the look on their face as they came through the door. I couldn’t place it. My dad told me they gave her three months to live. She had been re-diagnosed with cancer. It ended up being three weeks. She passed away just a few days after I moved back to Montreal to start my second year of university. I returned home with my brother and his girlfriend to attend the wake and the funeral. 

I had been spending time that summer figuring out what went wrong my first year of university, why I felt so alone and so lost and like everything was wrong. Why this place and time I’d projected so much onto for so many years didn’t live up to the expectations I’d created for it. I thought, second year will be a new start. I’ll do things differently. That summer was supposed to be calm time at home with family. And it really was, up until the end. Until I lost my grandma. Something I could never have been prepared for. 

My grandma was everything. She was the strand that tied my family together. She was filled with light and laughter and creativity and the most compassion and selflessness I’ve ever seen a human being possess. I loved her so much. 

Her passing made me realize I needed to do something important. I needed to try and create something. I needed to live out my passions in creative, beautiful ways that helped others.

And so I created Ethigirl. And Ethigirl was my place.

It was a brand for me, a persona, something created by me and me alone. People started using it as a nickname. My website was a platform for my passions, for sharing what I believed to be good and right. It allowed me to differentiate myself from other people. It gave me something to talk about when people said “tell me about yourself”. It was an outlet and an identifier. 

the: then.

Me on a rooftop in early March, just days into the pandemic.

A couple of months ago, everything changed (obviously). At first, I felt okay. I wrote some things. I reached out to my friends. I exercised.

I was also a hypocrite.

I shared to my Instagram story all of those posts like “the quarantine is not the time to shame yourself for your lack of productivity!!”

…But then went and did literally exactly that. I found myself in darkened rooms unable to find the motivation to eat, let alone write or work on a side hustle or passion project. Why couldn’t I afford myself the same compassion and generosity that I afforded every single one of my talented, intelligent, hardworking friends when they told me they were going through the same things? 

At some point, I closed the always-opened tab of Ethigirl.com on my laptop. I could not write anymore. I could not bring myself to write something that didn’t feel equally as existential as the times we are living in. I couldn’t write yet another slow fashion influencer listicle. I could not write something that didn’t feel like me. That didn’t match all of the very raw, vulnerable, unprecedented feelings that I was and still very much am feeling.

So I didn’t write anything at all.

Because I didn’t even know what I actually WANTED to write. How do you put all of this into words?

During this time away from my site, I also realized that along the way, I lost the part of Ethigirl that was an outlet. A creative space. A platform for me to live out the values that my grandma inspired and instilled within me. At some point, it became far more about the page views, the follower counts, the likes and comments. And so much less about the content itself. About writing things that made me tick. That made other people feel something. I realized that I need to make this feel less like an obligation and more of a way of writing my thoughts and inviting the world to read them. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about defining, and quite frankly redefining our normative definitions of “success” and “accomplishment”. I could put my academia hat on and critically analyze the fact that capitalism leads us to define our success by financial and productivity terms. By working hard, VERY hard, exhausting ourselves until we reach our lofty goals. Goals that usually look like blog/social media engagement numbers (like follower counts), numbers of articles or posts published, dollars made, hours worked, projects finished. Anything that is tangible and easily quantifiable. 

But what about everything else? When the lockdown first happened it forced us all home. Many of us lost our jobs. Many of us never found new ones. We’ve had to process and overcome so many different tragedies, letdowns, and forms of grief over these past few months. 

What happens when you can’t pin your identity to a job anymore? Or a university? Or even a career aspiration, because it’s impossible to know absolutely anything with certainty anymore? 

I think what happens then is you look inwards. This has been an opportunity to reevaluate all of those five-year, ten-year plans. Toss them out and actually just look at the now. Pause. Take off every single hat we were and focus on ourselves. Because if we didn’t (and don’t) do that, we can’t stay afloat. Not right now. 

So we cling onto the small joys. We order the food, we eat the ice cream, we give ourselves the leniency of not finishing that thing that day, or maybe not finishing it at all. We take longer breaks. We sleep more. We go on gentle walks and we don’t punish ourselves. Because we can’t right now. And we have a built-in excuse not to. 

Pandemic love.

Many people have started craving connections. Meaningful ones. We need support, love, and affection now than we’ve quite possibly ever needed it before. We’ve started dating more, or at least figuring out what we’re looking for. What love looks like to us, means to us, and what it’s lacked in the past. Again, looking inward and trying to understand what would make us happy in this moment, rather than five or ten years from now. But also doing the hard emotional work.

We’ve been holding onto each other, unfurling our trauma and grief together, carrying each other through the best that we possibly can. And I’ve come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing more important than all of these connections and relationships. Life is entirely, inextricably meaningless without them. 

the: from now on.

Before the lockdown happened, I was the busiest I had ever been. I would wake up every morning completely exhausted, just barrelling through the best that I could. I’d check my Google calendar once, twice, thrice, infinitely because I couldn’t even remember what was next. I was, I think, happy — I felt accomplished in this time. I was working hard and achieving big goals. I was working on the things I felt passionate about. And then, one day, everything...stopped. 

The articles on this website that I am the most proud of, out of anything else I’ve written during my time as the host of this URL, are my Empathetic Academic piece and my Sustainable Dinner Party piece. Both are well-researched, informed by lived experiences, and written and published to evoke some kind of emotion from the reader. Although they aren’t necessarily my articles that have the best SEO, the highest numbers of clicks, the greatest social media engagement, the ones that appear repeatedly on my Google Analytics dashboard, I could not care less. They are my best articles. Because they are the best quality, not the ones that simply “cracked the online code”. 

I don’t give a shit anymore about that stuff. Because focusing on the numbers and the data overwhelmed me so much that it stopped me from creating actual good, important content.

So I’m done, mostly, with the listicles. You can expect things to get a little bit more personal over here. I don’t want to fall into the same traps I fell into before.

I want to be vulnerable and as gentle with myself as I try to be with everyone else.
I want to write the things that come to me in the middle of the night.
I want to publish quality content, but I don’t want it to be the same listicle-style stuff that I started out doing.

I will, of course, still share about wonderful brands because it’d be a shame if I didn’t. I’ll still recommend things. But for me, this website was born out of a pretty hard time in my life, and here I am now, about two years later, in maybe an even harder time. I need this outlet, but it needs to evolve as I do.

I’m changing all of the time, but something that will absolutely stay the same is my desire to share what I believe is right and good in the world. That is something I have pretty strong opinions about, and i am sticking to it. 

I find myself in another phase of learning, growing, and hardship, from which I can draw many similarities of my pre-second year self. As I enter my final year of university, however, this phase is very different. I’ve grown so much since then, and so too has Ethigirl. Therefore, this platform has to evolve alongside its owner. I am excited to see what the future has in store for this website, and I hope to bring you much more content that I am proud of and that moves you.

With all the love in my heart, and the sustainability to continue in the long run,

Ethigirl.

Thank you for sticking with me.

How to Host a Sustainable Dinner Party (in a Pandemic)

I originally produced the following essay and community cookbook for a university course taught by Dr. Alex Ketchum titled GSFS 401: Food, Gender and Environment.

Introduction

As someone with a passion for sustainability, which has taken specific root in food studies over the course of this semester, I began my project with a clear research question in mind: what does “perfectly sustainable” food and cooking look like, and can I represent that through the medium of a dinner party? I chose a dinner party because I wanted to harness the power of a social gathering among friends and food to cultivate a collection of experiences with sustainability and food. I believed hosting an experiential learning opportunity was the best way in which to do so. Therefore, I contacted a group of friends and instructed them all to bring a dish they felt was sustainable, along with the promise of an evening of discussion, meal sharing, and photo-taking. On March 16th, however, as COVID-19 social distancing measures started to take serious effect, I had no choice but to cancel my event and brainstorm a new plan. I opted to host the same event, instead over video call (specifically via Zoom). To my gratitude, my friends agreed, and my research question then evolved just as my plans had. Not only did I now wish to understand what a sustainable dinner party looked like, but I also had to manage this new factor of doing everything remotely. 

The experience of a Sustainable Zoom Dinner Party taught me many things, even if I learned them differently than I originally expected to throughout the exercise of this assignment. My essay will relay those findings as follows: first, I will discuss the three parts of my methodology — the dinner party experiment, my community cookbook, and a literature review. Next, I will present my results and a discussion, and come to a conclusion of what someone must consider when wishing to host an event like mine. My scientific research-inspired essay framework was greatly influenced by “Mishkos Kenomagwen: The Teachings of Grass”, a specific chapter in Indigenous botanist Robin Kimmerer’s book Braiding Sweetgrass, which describes her work understanding and arguing in favour of the importance of Indigenous knowledge. Her chapter is profoundly compelling and makes a strong case for experiential learning. In sum, in this essay I argue that in order to host a sustainable dinner party in a pandemic, you must incorporate three tenets: gratitude, accessibility, and environmentalism. Through the lens of each tenet, you must also specifically consider the food, the dinner party itself, and the impact of COVID-19. 

Methodology

The Dinner Party Experiment

The idea behind hosting a sustainable dinner party stemmed from my belief that I could only successfully come to conclusions on such overwhelming terms by consulting with other people. Similar to a scientific experiment, more participants leads to more inclusive research that accounts for as many factors as possible. As such, I created an event and invited a group of my friends to help with my research by preparing a meal they personally felt was sustainable, and then responding to a series of discussion questions during the (virtual) event. A shortcoming of my sample was its lack of diversity. All participants are in their early twenties, study social science-based undergraduate degrees, and live in major Canadian cities. However, for my purposes, I contacted individuals who I believed would be most likely to participate. 

A Community Cookbook

Following the Zoom Dinner Party, I had each participant provide me with several materials: the recipe they cooked, their rationale for its sustainability, and some photos. I compiled all of these elements, along with my own personal submission, into a sustainable community cookbook titled Defining Sustainable Food: A Cookbook (Appendix A). This visual component of my research represents how eight students living and studying in urban areas responded when asked to represent their ideas of sustainable food and cooking.

You can view the cookbook below:

Literature Review

The third component of my research was to consult a diversity of other research on my topic, including peer-reviewed articles, journalism, and other texts like blog posts and interviews. This element of my methodology recognizes the value of past work on this subject, much of which required emotional labour to produce. It also seeks to make up for shortcomings in diversity in my experiment, since there were other groups and issues I wished to represent and discuss.

Results & Discussion

Tenet 1: Gratitude

The first of the three tenets I argue one must consider when planning a sustainable dinner party (while social distancing) is gratitude. My initial inspiration for including this tenet was my realization of how grateful I am to my participants for contributing their time and labour. I feel more than honoured to be close to so many individuals who were willing to go above and beyond to participate in a friend’s class assignment, particularly during times like these. Through this project I have discovered the true strength, depth, and meaning of the relationships I’ve developed throughout the past several years. Additionally, however, I wish to argue that gratitude in relation to a sustainable dinner party during a pandemic only begins with a recognition of how valuable it is to have friends who will share a meal with you. An understanding of gratitude is incomplete without concrete efforts toward justice. We may be grateful for the farmers who produce our food, as well as the essential workers who process our grocery order, but we must also support their fair treatment by advocating for living wages and by purchasing ethically-made products. 

Hosts must consider where the food on the dinner party table will come from, and understand that sustainable food is fair trade. According to scholar Michael K. Goodman, who cites Barrett-Brown and Raynolds, the fair trade movement works both “in and against the market” and seeks to improve the living and working conditions of Global South farmers and producers. Goodman also mentions that, according to Oxfam, fair trade promotes “trade, not aid” and challenges the “ways of trading that keep people poor.” Concretely, these elements may look like purchasing products made by people with the right to unionize who work in safe conditions and are paid enough to support both themselves and their families. Sustainable food, therefore, supports sustainable livelihoods. Finally, when considering gratitude in regards to the dinner party itself, participants should recognize it not only in the context of their relationships with those around the table, but of their relationship with the land they eat upon. Many sustainable dinner parties will be held on unceded Indigenous territory, meaning it was stolen by colonizers who caused the violent loss of cultures as well as hundreds of thousands of lives. Many event hosts represent this issue through land acknowledgements. However, as scholars Eve Tuck and K. Wayne Yang wrote in their article “Decolonization is Not a Metaphor,” acknowledgement is not sufficient. Many scholars and activists use the term “decolonize” as a verb to describe the accommodations they are making in colonized spaces, without realizing the very real implications of the word itself.

Finally, creating space for gratitude at a dinner party in a pandemic must not only acknowledge the role of grocery store employees, cleaners, healthcare workers, and public transit drivers and maintenance workers in making it happen, but it must also fight for their fair treatment. As journalist Owen Jones argues, the movement during COVID-19 toward celebrating essential workers as “heroes” is necessary, but incomplete without advocacy from the privileged. Jones writes that “no floor can be cleaned remotely,” and yet those risking their lives to provide services like these are systemically underpaid and unfairly treated. Sustainable dinner party attendees who can (and should) work from home during this pandemic should spend time fighting in favour of normalizing essential workers’ higher wages and safer conditions, including access to personal protective equipment and sufficient distance from customers. It is additionally important that we extend our action-based gratitude during this time to our favourite establishments, such as restaurants, cafes, and bars. Many businesses still offer zero-contact delivery, and others provide the option of purchasing gift cards or merchandise online. Food writer Alicia Kennedy cites vegan business owner Chris Kim, who states that small businesses are relying on limited income during this time to prioritize their staff’s needs, like job security and reliable income with which to support their families. We owe those who keep these valuable establishments running the ability to do so. Therefore, sufficient gratitude while hosting a sustainable dinner party in a pandemic extends beyond recognition and into concrete action.

Tenet 2: Accessibility

Some experiment participants discussed the many costs associated with trying to live more sustainably, such as sacrificing additional income, time, or waste-intensive products, which can make participation in the movement exclusionary. Thus, a consideration of accessibility when preparing for and hosting a sustainable dinner party must encompass the many challenges and barriers that marginalized community members face on a daily basis. A sustainable dinner party during social distancing should still allow and encourage the participation of everyone, regardless of their situation. 

First of all, sustainable food itself evokes many accessibility issues. As dinner party participant Anna suggested, many grocery stores simply do not offer sustainable options, and access to grocery stores differs greatly depending on where you live.  For example, scholar Adi Segal discusses food deserts, a term which describes lack or difficulty of geographical access to healthy and nutritious food establishments, usually in lower-income areas. In New York City, small grocery stores (known as bodegas) are far more likely to exist in the neighbourhoods of East and Central Harlem than in the Upper East Side, and these bodegas are less likely to offer nutritious food options than those in the latter neighbourhood. Moreover, while many restaurants exist in all three neighbourhoods, those in East and Central Harlem are more likely to be fast-food establishments. Food deserts therefore limit access to healthy food options and further curb sustainability efforts. Additionally, disability rights blogger Crippledscholar argues that some things environmentalists tend to label as unsustainable, like straws or single-use packaging, make the lives of disabled folks easier. For example, when able-bodied environmentalists advocated for removing peeled, packaged oranges from supermarket shelves, it was harmful to the agency of disabled individuals for whom these products are incredibly valuable. 

Moreover, as dinner party participants Husayn and Juliette discussed, movements such as the zero waste one require additional labour for things like remembering to bring reusable bags and selecting more sustainable products at the store. This topic should be kept in mind in regards to accessibility because according to journalist Alden Wicker, this additional labour disproportionately falls on women since it has become included in domestic labour responsibilities. For these reasons, sustainable parties should adopt a BWYC (Bring What You Can) policy, both physically and intellectually. Participants should not be worried about preparing a perfectly-sustainable dish if it is not within their means to do so, and this experience should be a learning opportunity for everyone. No one should feel gatekept, or as though they do not have the knowledge or resources that qualify them to attend. 

Finally, in regards to accessibility and Coronavirus, one positive point to hosting a dinner party remotely is that it increases access to those who might not otherwise have been able to attend. For example, if I had held my event in my home, those who could not access stairs would have been excluded. Dinner party participant Juliette also addressed the impact of COVID-19 on mental health, stating how finding the motivation to eat and to cook has become more challenging with these new measures. As Ed Yong of The Atlantic wrote, human contact is a coping mechanism for many and social distancing has greatly reduced it. The effects of Coronavirus also negatively impact those with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, elderly people, those living in abusive homes, and Asian people dealing with an increase in racism. There is, evidently, no shortage of accessibility concerns one must consider when hosting a sustainable dinner party during the coronavirus. The host and participants should do their best to address as many as possible. 

Tenet 3: Environmentalism

No discussion of sustainability is complete without addressing issues of environmentalism, and rightly so. Although a sustainable dinner party must mitigate its impact on the environment, there are aspects of western environmentalism that override social sustainability in negative ways. For instance, in regards to food, environmentalists usually advocate for reducing or eliminating consumption of animal products, which is certainly important since up to 30% of global greenhouse gas emissions come from meat. However, as dinner party participant Delphine pointed out, being vegetarian does not necessarily mean being sustainable. Junk food, for example, is often vegetarian, but it creates packaging waste. The food sovereignty movement also reminds us how meat is significant to many cultures, and can be farmed and eaten in less carbon-intensive ways. Additionally, while an in-person sustainable dinner party event should encourage those involved to reduce their footprint through low-carbon transportation and low-waste dinnerware, holding the event remotely mostly eliminates these concerns. 

Finally, in regards to the relationship of COVID-19 to environmentalism, dinner participants Mariam and Husayn argued that sanitation concerns have increased waste. According to Mariam, products such as bunches of bananas are now wrapped in plastic, and Husayn shared that some grocery stores no longer allow shoppers to bring reusable bags. As a broader social dialogue, many social media posts have gone viral discussing how social distancing measures have decreased pollution, and how we should then conclude that “humans are the virus.” However, as writer Sierra Garcia argues, the negative social impact of the pandemic more than reduces a cause for an “environmental win.” This sentiment is also reminiscent of ecofascist, overpopulation-based environmentalism arguments, such as the one in Paul Ehrlich’s famous book The Population Bomb. Theories like Ehrlich’s blame Global South women for causing environmental problems through their role in increasing populations. To avoid unjustly blaming already-marginalized groups, a sustainable dinner party in the time of quarantine should discuss the systems which foster climate injustice, such as capitalism, globalization, mass industry, and corporate greed. Our learnings from COVID-19 should be less about reducing overpopulation and more about overhauling our systems to accommodate everyone, because it is possible. 

Conclusion

This essay provides a framework in regards to how one might host a sustainable dinner party during a pandemic. It has discussed the varying issues and considerations related to food, the event itself, and the impact of the Coronavirus on planning such an event. The community cookbook attached also represents a meaningful visual representation of this essay’s findings and should be read alongside it. Together, these elements conclude that hosts must incorporate three main tenets: action and justice-based gratitude, diverse considerations of accessibility, and environmentalism through an intersectional lens. Indeed, it discussed many considerations within the realm of each tenet, and hosts and participants should do their best to incorporate as many as possible. Future research should prioritize hosting such dinner parties with more diverse participant samples, therefore incorporating as many concerns and uplifting as many voices as possible. Moreover, sustainable dinner parties held following the COVID-19 pandemic that may not be forced to exist remotely might still consider including this as an option for participants who are unable to attend in person.

Works Cited

Broaders, Anna, Juliette Escande, Delphine Polidori, Mariam Grigoryan, and Husayn Jamal, video call with the author, April 04, 2020.

Coté, Charlotte. “‘Indigenizing’ Food Sovereignty. Revitalizing Indigenous Food Practices and Ecological Knowledges in Canada and the United States.” Humanities. Vol. 5, no. 57 (2016): doi:10.3390/h5030057 

Crippledscholar. “When Accessibility gets Labeled Wasteful.” Crippled Scholar, March 4, 2016. https://crippledscholar.com/2016/03/04/when-accessibility-gets-labeled-wasteful/

Derfel, Aaron. “Montreal public health scrambles to avoid community spread of COVID-19.” Montreal Gazette, March 17, 2020. https://montrealgazette.com/news/local-news/montreal-public-health-scrambles-to-avoid-community-spread-of-covid-19/

Garcia, Sierra. “‘We’re the virus’: The pandemic is bringing out environmentalism’s dark side.” Grist, March 30, 2020. https://grist.org/climate/were-the-virus-the-pandemic-is-bringing-out-environmentalisms-dark-side/

Goodman, Michael K. “Reading fair trade: political ecological imaginary and the moral economy of fair trade foods.” Political Geography. Vol. 23 (2004): 891-915. doi:10.1016/j.polgeo.2004.05.013 

Jones, Owen. “The undervalued heroes of the coronavirus crisis need our thanks - and our support.” The Guardian, March 21, 2020. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/mar/21/undervalued-heroes-coronavirus-crisis-cleaners-supermarket-workers

Kennedy, Alicia. “Vegan Business Owners Share Coronavirus Challenges and Hopes for the Future.” Tenderly Magazine, March 31, 2020. https://medium.com/tenderlymag/vegan-business-owners-share-coronavirus-challenges-and-hopes-for-the-future-4aaee234f459

Kimmerer, Robin. “Mishkos Kenomagwen: The Teachings of Grass.” In Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants. Minneapolis, MN: Milkweed Editions, 2013.

Segal, Adi. “Food Deserts: A Global Crisis in New York City - Causes, Impacts and Solutions.” Consilience: The Journal of Sustainable Development. Vol. 3, no. 1 (2010): 197-214. https://www.jstor.org/stable/26167795 

Tuck, Eve and K. Wayne Yang. “Decolonization is not a metaphor.” Decolonization: Indigeneity, Education & Society. Vol. 1, no. 1 (2012): 1-40. 

Van de Kamp, Mirjam E., S. Marjie Seves and Elisabeth H. M Temme. “Reducing GHG emissions while improving diet quality: exploring the potential of reduced meat, cheese and alcoholic and soft drinks consumption at specific moments during the day.” BMC Public Health, vol. 18, no. 264 (2018): 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-018-5132-3 

Wicker, Alden. “The complicated gender politics of going zero waste.” Vox, May 9, 2019. https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2019/5/9/18535943/zero-waste-movement-gender-sustainability-women-instagram

Yong, Ed. “How the Pandemic Will End.” The Atlantic, March 25, 2020. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2020/03/how-will-coronavirus-end/608719/ 

thoughts & resources re: covid-19

Hello to all! I’ve missed you so much. 

I wanted to create a post today with the hopes of providing some comfort during these strange, uncertain times. I won’t pretend for a second that I’ve been handling any of this with more grace and calmness than I’m sure any of you have. In fact, it’s been a huge struggle to say the least.

However, I’m finally getting to a place where I feel a bit more settled with this all. I’ve been able to grasp onto some sort of familiarity and certainty in the chaos occurring outside my apartment walls, and for now, that’s enough. Therefore, in case you’re not quite there yet, I wanted to put together what’s sure to be a not-very-organized collection of thoughts, feelings, ideas, and resources that might be useful during this time.

advice

Let me begin by saying that I’m not a medical professional, nor do I have any sort of expertise in any areas related to COVID-19 that could be helpful right now. I’ve been seeing some influencers adopting that tone, and that’s fine as long as they actually know what they’re talking about. One Instagram account I have really been following throughout all of this is Two Dusty Travelers, which is run by a couple who tries to travel ethically and sustainably. However, Emily is also a nurse who worked in the Global South during the height of the Ebola outbreaks. During all of Coronavirus, she has been posting stories filled with useful resources, facts, and reputable content. I highly recommend checking this account out if you’re looking for a facts-based approach to all of this. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Emily & Aaron • Ethical Travel (@twodustytravelers) on Mar 3, 2020 at 9:16am PST

This is going to certainly come across as a hypocritical, preaching-to-the-choir sort of moment, but try and stay off the internet as much as possible. Updates are important, obviously, but other than that, mindless scrolling is a recipe for anxiety. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself as much as to you. The commentary, the articles, and even the memes are all getting to be a bit too much. 

my thoughts on productivity

A lot of folks (who are privileged to be able to do so) are currently working from home. That goes for me, too. Along with being a student, I have a part-time job at my campus’ sustainability office. However, my entire university has moved online for the remainder of the semester. We have this week and next off of school, and then it’s back to digital class for what’s left of the year. 

I’ve spoken before about my opinion on hustle culture, Instagram entrepreneurs, and more. It is a topic that I will never not go on for too long about. People have mental illnesses! People have disabilities! People work overtime hours at jobs they’re not paid enough to do! People are oppressed every single day! Not everyone can wake up at 4am everyday and suddenly become a billionaire, or whatever their goal is. There are real, systemic barriers that many people face every single day, and making them feel bad for “not hustling hard enough” doesn’t do anything to help. Instead, it actually incites more guilt and exhaustion. 

This may seem off topic. However, I’ve already noticed a lot of online content (when I should’ve been limiting my scrolling, I know) about peoples’ “quarantine projects”. Yes, I’m truly happy for you if this time off has allowed you to put more time into your business or to finish writing your book or even to reorganize that closet you’ve been meaning to get to forever. 

But we’re not under any obligation to be more productive right now. This, of course, comes with the caveat that those of us who are working from home right now have jobs that allow us to. I can’t say enough about healthcare workers (my mom and my sister-in-law, for just two examples: you are the greatest human beings alive, as far as I’m concerned). I can’t say enough about all the other folks who still have to go to work right now or risk losing paychecks. 

For those of us who are home, though, some of the best ongoing commentary I’ve seen is that all you need to do right now is get through this. Personally, I’ve just been trying to get through these recent days without crying, or laying in bed and staring at my ceiling for way too long, or watching too much Netflix. All I’m trying to say is that if you’re not simply taking this in stride and celebrating at the opportunity to put this new time at home towards personal projects, you don’t need to feel bad or compare yourself negatively to those who are.

But when you feel yourself starting to calm down and gain a sense of control, act on it gently. Get outside. I’ve been going for runs, but with no expectation of how fast or how far I’ll go. I just put on my favourite music and enjoy the nice weather. That’s self-care. Or bake or cook a favourite meal! Make it nutritious and fulfilling if possible, but don’t set your expectations sky-high. That’s self-care. Or write something! Or draw something! Just try to limit your expectations. There is no expectation right now that you’ll do anything groundbreaking. 

As a matter of fact, some of the best advice I have received throughout COVID-19 is this. My roommate told me that there’s no expectations on me to help everyone around me, to be an extraordinary activist, or to otherwise contribute incredibly to society. Instead, the best thing I can do for those around me is to stay home and take care of myself. And more broadly, we have to remember that this is the best thing we can do in general! Social distancing, remember? This is the only thing (aside from handwashing) that healthcare workers, who are working harder than ever, are asking of society. So we should probably listen.

mental health

I am intimately aware of how harmful social distancing is (and will continue to be) on mental health. Sometimes, getting out and going somewhere new, seeing a friend or meeting someone new is the only thing that’ll pull me out of some really bad anxiety. But there are ways to show up for yourself that don’t require breaking your quarantine. The first one might actually be not calling it a quarantine, because that’s a terrifying word. 

Otherwise, just do small acts of self-care. Take a shower! Put on some makeup and take some selfies! Go running or walking if you’re able (I cannot recommend this one enough)!!! Get some sun on your face! Open a window and stick your head out! Eat a favourite food or snack! Video chat with a friend you haven’t talked to in awhile! Buy a gift card from your favourite cafe or restaurant! The list is truly endless. 

I personally plan on creating a “Want To-Do” list. I’ll put all of the tasks that I’d like to complete during this period of social distancing, but I won’t punish myself if I don’t get to them. I think this will be a powerful way of reducing the pressure I have a tendency to put on myself to be creative. The best art and fun comes out of the most spontaneous acts of creativity, in my opinion. If you decide to adopt a similar approach, let me know! I’d love to do it together.

resources!!!

I could write forever and still not get to all of my favourite things. So, here is a collection of music, shows, recipes, and whatever else that you might feel like perusing during your time at home. I AM KEEPING IT FUN! No productivity necessary. 

recipes

Some vegetarian cooking and baking I’ve tried or am planning to try! I’ve talked in a past post here about why I love cooking as self-care so much.

• Easy Roasted Tomato Soup

• Sun-Dried Tomato and Basil Meatballs

• Vegan Mashed Potato Bowls

• Vegetarian Lentil Tortilla Soup (I’ve made this tons of times, it’s so easy and so good)

• Sugar Cookie Bars

• Sandwich Brownie Cookies with Cookie Dough Frosting

• Salted Caramel Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars

• Crack Pie Cookies (an ode to Milk Bar’s crack pie!)

• Cinnamon Toast Crunch Marshmallow Cookies

• Bittersweet Chocolate Cookies with Caramelized White Chocolate (I made these with golden oreos instead of the white chocolate and they were Very Good as well)

music

Here’s a playlist of some favourite music I think you should listen to (it’s a bit of everything):

tv shows

Some different things I’ve watched and enjoyed, linked to their websites/descriptions:

• Love is Blind (sometimes, cheesy reality TV is exactly what you need, even if you don’t think so)

• RuPaul’s Drag Race (no spoilers, I’m only on Season 9!)

• Next in Fashion (this one’s really bringing out my inner fashion nerd)

• Veep (US political comedy, you won’t be able to stop once you start)

• How I Met Your Mother (yes, I prefer it over Friends)

• Gossip Girl (I just finished it and I wish there was more)

• Brooklyn Nine-Nine (there really aren’t enough good things to say about this wholesome show)

• I Am Not Okay With This (a very entertaining and quick watch)

• Atypical (I love it, just watch it, that’s all)

• Jane the Virgin (I cried so much and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat)

• You (you won’t be able to not binge it)

• Love (complicated and wonderful)

• Patriot Act (we love some good political comedy - and there’s a great episode about Fast Fashion!)

youtube

Here’s a playlist featuring videos from some of my all-time fave channels!

Stay home, take care of yourselves, and wash your hands.

Love you so much,

Ethigirl

How I Regained My Passion: Cooking as Healing

Hello all!

If you’ve been reading Ethigirl for awhile, or if you know me in real life, you probably know that I regularly struggle with my mental health and that burnout — more specifically, activist burnout — has played a huge role in my life.

Most of the time, it feels like I’m constantly surrounded and, frankly, suffocated by the issues which plague our world. In high school, I had a healthier work-life balance along with outlets like sports and art… but in university, the constant whirlwind of assignments and extracurriculars and pressure and struggle to succeed truly got to me, and I lost all of that.

Everything in my life orbited around its focal point: trying desperately, but always feeling like I was failing, to fix the problems of the world. And the worst of it all is that every problem was is so intertwined and entangled. You approach something as simple as single use plastics and are surrounded and caught inside and unable to escape the grips of capitalism and colonialism and environmentalism as an intersectional issue of social justice that affects some of the world’s most vulnerable people and species who have been oppressed and undercut for centuries.

Simply put, it’s difficult to approach an issue, to implement a solution, to see positive results, and to accept them for what they are without feeling defeated by what is left to do or what you cannot accomplish with what you’ve put in place. You’re always missing some component, or you can’t scale. And this tireless work — this chasing after some goal which is damn near impossible to reach — coupled with that constant discouragement breeds one thing alone: burnout.

I often feel that way with fashion, too. I fell in love with sustainable fashion because of how beautiful it is as a solution: sustainably-made clothes are better quality, more unique, and more exciting to wear. I thought that focusing on fashion would allow me to stay positive. It was fun and exciting. And although I certainly still often feel this way, there are some times when I don’t.

This past summer and fall, everything came to a halt: I just didn’t know how I could do it anymore. So I took a break from Ethigirl. I took a break from, well…everything. I was forced to leave a social action-oriented university extracurricular to which I’d probably dedicated hundreds of hours over the past couple of years. I dialed back entirely, leaving me to figure out who I was without activism and advocacy.

It was really scary. I came to terms with the fact that who you are isn’t based on what you do. You can do many, many wonderful things for the world and still hurt the people around you because you’re bad at keeping in touch, you hold grudges for too long, or you never properly learned how to resolve conflict. I learned that we are nothing without the people around us: being surrounded with those who make us feel whole are, well, what make us whole. And we need to take the time to genuinely and deeply foster those relationships for all that they are worth.

At some point during all of this self-learning, I revisited something many people had told me when I was in some of my hardest times: you really need to pick up a hobby. Something completed detached from activism. And that’s when I started getting into cooking. Though I had been meal prepping sporadically for about a year, I’d never put a lot of serious thought into it — probably because I was always so preoccupied with everything else I had on the go.

Vegetarian ramen with green onions, sesame seeds, and a ramen egg

But over this past summer and fall, thanks to the influence of Tyler (my boyfriend), I really started getting into cooking videos on YouTube. Big shout out to Bon Appetit in particular. And then, I started replicating what I saw. I started getting excited about buying my groceries every week. I wanted to learn every tip that I could. Every Sunday, I’d set aside (and still do) about four or five hours to prepare all of my meals for the week ahead. Tyler often helps me cook, and although sometimes he’s just as excited about the food as I am and takes over a little too much, I love having him around during the process.

Cooking has become a true form of self care for me: and not even just in the sense of having nutritious, prepared meals to eat for the week ahead (although that’s also a huge plus), but also because it’s an art form. When I am simply chopping up and simmering veggies for a delicious meal, I get so psyched about the process. It’s very reminiscent of my high school days, when I was doing watercolour paintings on the regular.

Tomato soup with parmesan and microgreens

It has helped me to relearn the simple art of creating something for myself that is just intrinsically good. I am not cooking to support any political or social cause. It’s something entirely detached from every other issue I have going on in my life, and I can just focus on it for those five Sunday afternoon hours while I play music, let some sauce bubble on the stove, and just allow myself to breathe for a minute.

Sick-day vegetarian curry with green onions and sesame seeds

About four months later, I feel deeply healed. I am not all the way better — nor will I probably ever be. But with deeply mindful cooking as part of my lifestyle, I have learned how to take even just five hours every week to take care of myself without any other concerns. And through this process, I know with some practice I can expand that five hours into an hour, or two, or more every single day. That’s something I’m pretty excited about.

With love and sustainability,

Ethigirl

(P.s. — let me know your favourite recipes in the comments. I’m hungry.)

personal pieces: being an empathetic academic

I'm Aspen, and I am an empath. What this means to me is that I care waaaaay too much about everything, all the time. It also means, probably more notably, that I have a tendency to "take on" others' emotions and feel, in some way, the same things they are feeling.

I didn't learn this term until recently, but when I did, it made so much sense. I've always known I'm an emotional person. I have always felt completely exhausted after dealing with something sad, or being around a group of stressed-out people. I never really attributed it to much, but I now know that there is a deeper cause of this exhaustion.

I have taken on others' stress when they have a paper due midnight that they haven't started. I've taken a four hour nap after watching a sad movie. I've burst into tears after someone called me and told me they were having a hard time. There are so many personal ways that being an empath influences my life.

However, there is another way which being an empath affects my life, and I am positive it affects the lives of many others: through academia.

At a conference I recently attended, there was a breakout session about social change burnout. I have not had the same perspective on life, my passions, and the work I do since that session. It was so extraordinarily impactful.

Activists do not give themselves credit for their emotional labour. Every cause we commit ourselves to, every moment we spend working hard on changing the minds of others, it's exhausting. It's not (necessarily) physically tiring, but it's the emotion we put into everything we do that makes it entirely overwhelming and like we need to go to sleep after working with something particularly emotionally draining.

I've come to realize that a lot of my closest friends, who share similar passions for social justice and improving their communities, are also empaths. I've been with some of them on multiple occasions as they tearfully expressed how hopeless they feel about our world, or how disappointed they are that they can't do more to help or to validate the other people in their lives. This is such a difficult thing to think about and to deal with.

Climate change. Police brutality. Gender inequality. Racism. Capitalism. Environmental degradation. Unjust labour practices. Homophobia. Refugee crises. War. Violence. Terrorism. So many more issues. They are overwhelming and they are unavoidable. And when you're an empath, they become too much. They simmer and simmer until they boil over and you find yourself crying, hopeless about what you can do to fix things.

What's more unavoidable is when you, like myself and many of the people closest to me, study a subject which deals with these things constantly: political science, international development, sociology, environmental science, social justice studies. You are bound to these things.

Because university is even more than a full-time job, where your assignments and readings are never not on your mind, you never get a break. You're writing essays about how climate change is linked to feminism while you're procrastinating on your readings about the refugee crisis. And when you're taking breaks and scrolling through Facebook, news article after news article is coming up about the latest Trump decision and how it more deeply oppresses yet another group of marginalized people. You never get a break. And that is exhausting.

The other aspect of this is emotional labour. When you're passionate about these topics, you want to talk about them all the time. You want to educate others. You want to share your opinions and change the minds of those who don't agree with them. Because you care. Not because you want to be right, but because you want to make a difference. You want to change someone's vote. You want to convince someone to stop using single-use plastic. You just want others to understand, to feel the same way that you do.

But while someone must do this work (and everyone must do this work), the burden does not fall entirely on you. You are not individually responsible for solving climate change. You are not individually responsible for ensuring Trump does not win the election in 2020. You don't have to fix it all.

Being an empathetic academic means not only do you take on the emotions of others in your personal life, but that you take on the collective pressure, sadness, fear, and responsibility that is associated with studying what it is that you study. I have a theory that it is mainly empaths who choose to study a social science, or a socially-oriented subject. Because empaths take on the burden of these problems as their own, because they think that's what they're supposed to do. And then, they are hailed as heroic, or "the leaders of the next generation." That is a hell of a lot of pressure for a nineteen year-old that still lives on ramen. You almost feel like doing your essay is the start of a really long path that you plan to stay on for your entire life that involves exhausting, burdening social change work - and it's really overwhelming to think about that path. It's like if you were standing at the starting line of a marathon, thinking about the fact that even after you finish this one, you have to run ten more. And God, there is nothing romantic about this feeling. There are no Nobel Peace Prizes for the nights you lie awake in bed, asking yourself what the world your children will live in is going to be like. There is nothing romantic about the emotional burden of social change work.

I don't know how to change this, because it's really difficult to change how you feel. You can't really avoid being an empath, it just is. But I think the most important thing is the realization that it's a part of you, and that it's okay to take breaks. One of the things that bothers me the most about university is how hard everyone is on themselves. You are pressured to constantly be working. Then, when you add the emotional burden of studying something like "Saving the World 101", you're going to exhaust yourself that much more.

So here's my suggestion: next time you're procrastinating over studying, or doing that reading, or writing that paper, don't punish yourself or call yourself lazy. Be introspective and ask yourself if you're avoiding it because it is emotionally difficult. Then, remind yourself that it's okay to feel that way, and that you're amazing for even wanting to do something to make this earth a better place. Start this marathon, walk if you need to, and take a break when you finish it. You wouldn't feel guilty for resting after finishing a marathon, so don't feel guilty for resting after finishing that really emotionally-burdening essay on climate change.

Every action you take can, and will, make the world a better place. You're investing in yourself to make sure you're the best activist you can be. Don't ever, ever take that for granted. You've got this.

personal pieces: dealing with burnout

Hey there, my wonderful friends! It's midterm season and...well, I'm super sick. I got a cold because I didn't listen to my body and I overworked myself, and guess what - I can't do any work now!

I don't promise that this post will be perfectly-written, but that's actually part of the reason why I'm writing it: to remind myself that it doesn't need to be, and neither do I. Read on for what is hopefully a dose of self-care and recognition that you need. I love you!

At university, there is an enormously toxic culture of overworking oneself past what was thought before to be humanly possible. During midterms season, it's not hard to browse through social media and see how prevalent it truly is. Pictures of stacks of empty coffee cups, Instagram stories of laptops showing timestamps of 4am, and endless posts of people saying how long and how hard they are working for their apparent eight billion tests, assignments, presentations, and essays. (I have more than once engaged in this narrative. I'm not proud of it.)

The truth is, school is crazy hard. It's so much pressure. You constantly are faced with more work than you're ever going to finish, and all of your professors believe that their class is the only one you have. And so, as students, it's scary! Because during university, it sometimes feels like your schoolwork is the only thing in the world that matters. Forget exercise, socializing, or even taking twenty minutes to do yoga. At any given moment that you're not studying, you feel guilty. And even when you're studying, you feel guilty that you're not doing something else, such as spending time with friends, eating something healthy, or even sleeping - which none of us get enough of.

This guilt has certainly been part of the reason for the lull in my Ethigirl posts as of late. I put a ton of work and research and creativity into everything I post, and I will not post unless I feel it's as perfect as possible. I simply want to create the best content I can. But lately, I just have not been putting the time into creating aforementioned content, because even though I've been overwhelmed with new ideas, every time I sit down to write, I am faced with the feeling that my blog is not my priority.

And while school is certainly important - especially when one looks at its dollar amount - it's not everything. For these four (or five, or more!) years that we are all here, we cannot and should not put 100% of our efforts into studying and academics. This is impossible and unhealthy and incredibly unsustainable. Not only does it take all the joy out of learning by imposing an enormous amount of pressure and competition on a student, but it also inevitably ends in burnout. 

What is burnout? It's when you give and give and give everything you have (mentally, physically, and emotionally) to something until it eventually makes you crash. It's bound to happen to us all from time to time, and I am personally dealing with it right now. Incredibly late nights of studying, along with balancing volunteering and extracurriculars, have resulted in me getting sick and being more exhausted than I've been in awhile.

This is frustrating, because although my energy has reduced largely, my motivation and need to do so much all the time hasn't, which has simply resulted in more guilt that I'm not getting done what I need to get done.

But we need to try and prevent burnout as much as possible. We need to think to ourselves - why do I feel so much pressure? Life continues on. I will finish everything and I won't fail out of school. My extracurricular groups, friends, and family will not ostracize me for taking time off. Instead, they will help me. And they have been.

The thing is, I'm certainly not unhappy. I love school and am so passionate about everything that I am putting my time into. I have been feeling an unmatched amount of purpose lately with all the things and people in my life, which has in turn been giving me a perpetual amount of motivation to work on it all. I have so many hopes and dreams and goals for my life and I feel like the gears in my head are constantly turning. Sometimes, I literally jolt awake as I've almost fallen asleep with the need to write down an idea in my phone so I won't forget it.

All of this energy is so, so incredible and something I've been after for as long as I can remember. However, it's resulted in me forgetting the ability to take care of myself as a person. I have to remind myself to eat and to sleep. I talk often with others about fighting against university's romanticism of overworking, and how students sometimes compete with each other when talking about how many hours of sleep they got the night before. However, I myself participate in these types of conversations and just this culture in general far too often.

It's so easy to get sucked into, especially when everyone around you is also engaging. You just feel like it's the right thing to do and that you are actually obligated to engage if you want to get all your studying done - and that doesn't even include extracurriculars or exercise!

If I am being honest, I have not yet figured out the solution completely to balancing my life. It's not one of my strengths. But I try to do my best to always get eight hours of sleep at night, to go outside and take a walk to clear my head, and to take productive breaks while I study. Finally, I always remember that it's okay to be kind to myself and do something I enjoy - like work on Ethigirl. 

There is nothing wrong with prioritizing the things that bring you joy. We can and we will figure out how to finish things that are difficult. Let's just remember to reward ourselves, too, for even trying to begin with.We are always working harder than we give ourselves credit for.

University is hard - you really never have a break. So I challenge you to take a guilt-free break during this midterm season. I just had mine by writing this post, and I promise you, I'm glad I did it. :) Sending all my love to students, professionals, and everyone else alike. Remember to check in with those around you.

With love and sustainability (in studying),

Ethigirl <3